The image says it all. A bunch of busted up, broken beers that nobody wants sitting alone on a table. That’s what has officially become of one of the most iconic names in American consumerism.
All because they had to go woke.
Anheuser Busch CEO Joe Barron announced to his team that the company is pulling the plug on the Bud Light brand and re-working it into something “at least somewhat marketable.”
Experts believe the new beer will be called “Bud Zero” and will be aimed mostly at keto-dieting white suburban housewives. “We’re looking to be the new Tab,” Barron said. He previously headed up the Tab division at Coca-Cola until the company decided to discontinue it last year.
“Joe Barron personally bought half a million cans of Tab per year to keep that brand alive, because he loved it. We produced a million altogether and honestly, we have no idea where the rest went.”
Some reports say the leftover Tab was used as shooting practice and may have been the inspiration for Kid Rock’s display of awesome firepower. “Kid saw us shooting up Tab with glocks and went inside to grab his bump stock. That’s when he saw the Dylan Mulvaney can and flipped out.”
Kid went on a vendetta that has ultimately cost Anheuser Busch billions and forced them to make some very tough decisions. Like firing Barron, which we’re pretty sure will happen shortly. God Bless America.