The committee that oversees the world’s largest volksfestival, Oktoberfest, has decided that there is no place in Bavaria for the controversies surrounding Anheuser Busch’s Budweiser products.
Committee Chairman Joseppi Barronista says the town of Okto, its residents, and the entirety of Bavaria are happily non-political and want to stay that way.
“The Oktoans have been throwing this thing since their ancestors first scaled the Swiss Alps to flee from Ivan the Terrible. The festival is about community, food, and beer. There’s no room on the itinerary for political posturing.”
The move came after someone tipped off the committee that there would definitely be trouble if it allowed a Budweiser booth at the event. “There’s a good chance some imbecile dressed like Dr. Phil will start shooting up the free pisswater kegs we set up for the kids,” said Barrinista, “that’s about all Bud products are good for.”
Children in the Bavarian Alps can start drinking at age 9 with parental consent, but they absolutely can not change genders.
The shunning will cost Budweiser more than $702 million dollars and “eleventy years of official disapproval from the committee.”
It shouldn’t be long before the iconic brand is forced to shutter its doors, patriots. If we keep punishing them like this every other day, soon there won’t be anything left. God Bless America.